You’re about to think of Khloé Kardashian in a whole new way, or at least learn something about her that you didn’t know before. The star opened up about her spiritual life, religious upbringing, father’s death, and heartbreaking divorce in an essay she recently penned for Lena Dunham’s Lenny Letter, and the piece is verypersonal.
One of the most profound experiences of my life was when my dad passed away when I was 19. When he was dying, he wasn’t himself. He was talking like a baby; it wasn’t him. At one point he was calling me Kim, and I remember how frustrated and mad I was. I couldn’t come to terms with it. But later, I understood that he wasn’t fully there.
After he passed, I was bitter and angry — I was VERY angry at God. I didn’t understand why someone who was so great, my dad — why he would be taken away. My dad was such a believer, so I couldn’t come to terms with how someone with such a deep relationship with God could be gone. I was young and I needed someone to blame for what had happened. But then I started to process the end of my father’s life, and it changed something inside me.
My relationship with spirituality has changed over the years, but I’ve never stopped believing. I enjoy going to church, I just haven’t found a church that I’m passionate about, where I fit in. But I have daily devotionals. Every Christmas my mom buys them for me — they tell me a prayer and give me a scripture. The devotions are just one page each, with a quote from the Bible, a breakdown of its meaning, and a daily prayer. Sometimes it’s hard for me to absorb all the information at once, so I like that the daily devotions are small enough that I can really retain the message. I read these affirmations to my glam squad every day. They think I’m nuts, but I love it, and that works for me.
I’m very conversational with God and spirits. I talk to myself and to them but sometimes unconventionally. I’ll be lying in bed and just say out loud, “Lord, thank you so much for keeping my brother and sisters healthy!” Every night I say my prayers, often with my nieces and nephews. I talk a lot to my dad if I’m feeling something where I wish he were here to guide me. I just don’t believe praying has to be so structured. Sometimes I’ll just ramble. And I pray more when I’m thankful than in times of need. It’s a time of self-reflection. I like to give praise and gratitude. I know how fortunate I am.
I’ve been blessed with a lot in my life, and I’ve also had challenges. It was a challenge for me when I decided to get divorced. At my core, I don’t believe in divorce, but I came to a point in my marriage where I had to make the choice to take care of my own mental and emotional well-being in order to protect myself and my happiness. I am at peace with that decision and do feel like I honored my vows to the very end. I feel that I kept the serious vows I made in front of God with every inch of my heart, which is why I am still honoring them today even though my relationship with my ex-husband is in a different place. I believe in caring for my partner — past or present — “in sickness and in health,” and feel at peace with my relationship with God even after the fact. I’m thankful that I can rely on my God, who, along with my family, has led me through some of the most difficult times of my life.